So, a lot has happened lately.
I'm going to Sheridan.
Yup.
The sad thing is it's not even animation. It's fundamentals but I'll take what I can get. Been getting out more, hanging out with friends, making some new ones, catching up with the old. Finally got tired of sitting around at home being depressed and angry about nothing when I could have done something about it. I am doing something about it. I'm moving out.
It's definitely changed my perspective one-eighty degrees upside down. On one hand, it feels great to finally get away from it all and to exercise this freedom for it felt like, when I was living at home in my younger years, I was a bird with my wings rubber-banded to my body while I watched all the other little birdies fly away. I swore to myself, that when the day came, when I turned 18 when I could choose to leave, I would. I choose to leave and to chase my dream. It's given me the strength to first stand up to myself, to believe in what I do and what I am about to pursue. It's given me reason to justify my life and realize the evanescence of it all. Strengthening one's core one's sense of self radiates to others. I feel like I can now stand up for myself because I believe through and through that what this is right and no one should tell me otherwise. This is my own life to live. Next it has given me happiness, like a child finding his mother after being lost in a grocery store. Who isn't happy to have direction? Anyway, in a sense, it's sort of backward how this was all supposed to work. First I chose, then I realized the weight of my choice. Normally, it should be the other way around, shouldn't it?
It was feeling great to be able to finally leave the retardedness of work and all the emotional turmoil of home. But the funny thing is, when everyone knew about me leaving, things started getting better. I started going out, hanging out with friends, smiling, laughing.... My mom started giving me more freedom, and I realized what responsibilities I had with that freedom because of the short term and long term consequences that would arise if I didn't live up to those responsibilities. I feel like a child all over again.
Today, I come to you blogspot, in fear and cowardice. I fear that I'm not ready. That I've been motivated by emotion all along, and that that emotion has lead to hastiness. I'm afraid that I'll be lonley in Oakville after knowing the greatness of company... of compassionate, understanding, wonderful, loving friends. I'm afraid again that there will be no consolation for tears. I'm afraid of choices that come with freedom. Now that I have what I've always wanted, it scares me.
I guess I write, to solidify the justifications in my head. It helps.
You may see these things off as silly things to worry about but the feeling is real and it sticks no matter how hard I justify it. Funny how our brain works.
But everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.
